Valentine Kedua

Agustus lalu menandakan penutupan tahun pertama hubungan kami. Tahun pertama yang luar biasa, kalo buat gue. Ada kali, kalo tiga kali gue minta putus. Iya, tiga kali. Dalam setahun pertama. Luar biasa, memang. Bukan, bukan perkara dia yang masih ngga mau pergi setelah tiga kali ditalak, tapi karena ternyata gue susah banget dilupain *dikeplak pacar*

Valentine memang bukan hari gede yang kaya gimana-gimana sik. I mean, it’s a celebration of love, alright, but I don’t really think that we need to celebrate it like it’s something special. You don’t need a specific day to express your love to people around you. Tapi karena gue menolak untuk merayakan valentine dengan biasa-biasa aja, I came up with an idea to make each other a playlist. Why a playlist? I realized that this year, we spent an awful lot of conversation discussing about music. About upcoming artists, about cheesy songs we shared for laughs, sampe ke diskusi superberat masalah genre musik apa yang cocok didengarkan dan dipoles oleh Korea Utara di rezim Kim Jong Un untuk mendongkrak sektor politik, sosial budaya, dan pertahanan keamanan demi menyambut masyarakat ekonomi dunia. Okay, yang terakhir bohong.

Begitulah. Sebuah playlist, yang akan gue share juga kesini. Supaya si pacar, dan juga yang baca ini, tahu cerita di balik pemilihan masing-masing lagu (dan juga supaya klen tahu betapa okenya selera musik gue. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *di-report as spam berjamaah).


 

1. Jessie Ware & Sampha – Valentine

Yaa udah sik yaa. Ketebak sih. Cheesy sih. Tapi gimana dong. Kurang pas apalagi cobak playlist valentine diawali oleh lagu judulnya Valentine. Yang penting bukan Valentine-nya Martina McBride yang udah bergaung indah kemana-mana yekaaaaaan. Anyway, Jessie Ware ini merupakan salah satu penyanyi favorit gue di tahun 2015 kemarin. Di sini dia berkolaborasi dengan Sampha. Tetapi percayalah, Sampha ini suaranya ngga sampha kok..

(Get it? ‘Cause his name is Sampha..as in sampah..as in..hahaha. ha. ha. No? Well..okay. Sorry)

 

2. Nina Nesbitt – Chewing Gum

Lagu yang kedua ini purely karena gue suka banget ama lagunya. Dan video klipnya. To be honest, gue ngga pernah dengar tentang Nina Nesbitt sebelumnya. Tapi setelah berkenalan dengan lagu ini, gue baru tahu kalo si Nina Nesbitt ini judul lagunya keren-keren. Judul yang paling gue suka? Peroxide. Lagunya kaya gimana? Gue belom denger. Bhay.

 

3. Stevie Wonder – Too High

Okay. Jadi, waktu pertama kali gue sok ide bikin playlist ini, premis gue ke pacar adalah “playlist yang kira-kira disuka oleh pasangan”. Tapi karena gue dan pacar sama-sama keras kepala, I just knew that there are going to be some songs yang dia paksain masuk ke sini. Yakin. Maka dari itu, gue juga masukin lagu satu ini. For me, Too High is one of Stevie’s best songs. Progresi chord-nya asik. Motown-nya kental banget. My cup of tea!

 

4. Paloma Faith – Only Love Can Hurt Like This

Perkara lagu ini, gue menyalahkan Chesa Yuni Kartika. Bhay!

Terlepas dari pengaruh cabe Cilincing yang namanya gue sebut di atas, I really really dig Paloma Faith. Makanya gue masukin lagu ini. One word: SUKAK!

 

5. Thomas Azier – Angelene

I wasn’t kidding when I said that both me and boyfriend would force each other’s taste. I probably overdid it a little, makanya yang satu ini akhirnya mencoba “meraba” selera pacar dengan lagu ini. I know, I know, this might be too electric-ish, but hey, I tried! Tapi gue yakin pacar bakal suka sama Thomas Azier ini, secara dia pemenang Friesland Pop Talent Award tahun 2012. Apa hubungannya? Ngga ada.

 

6. Portishead – Roads

Kalo lo si pacar, lagu apa yang bikin dia keingetan gue, pasti jawabannya James Blake’s Retrogade. Nggatau kenapa. Mungkin karena gue setampan James Blake. Si pacar (kalo selera musiknya lagi bener) emang suka banget sama tipe lagu begituan. The more hypnotizing the song, the more he likes it. Setelah beberapa hari menggali lebih dalam kepada babang James Blake, I stumbled upon Portishead, dan Roads ini adalah lagu yang paling gue suka.

 

7. Death Cab for Cutie – Talking Bird

Walaupun judul lagunya demikian, gue agak yakin burung si pacar ngga bisa ngomong kok. Yakin. Udah gue ajak ngobrol sebelumnya, dia ngga nyautin. Gue langsung bete.

Anyhow, Death Cab for Cutie ini terdiri dari tiga orang sugar daddy yang nampaknya menyenangkan untuk dicemil pada Minggu sore yang cerah ceria. Lagunya perpaduan antara James Blake (lagi) dengan Damien Rice. Suaranya pun sebelas duabelas…..ribu.

 

8. Damien Rice – Amie

Kalo ngga salah ingat, O ini adalah album Damien Rice favoritnya si pacar. Atau favorit gue yaa? Gue lupa. Amie, definitely one of the frontrunners of my favorite song in the album. Bahkan lebih gue suka daripada Cannonball. Oh well.

 

9. Erykah Badu – I’m In Love With You (ft. Stephen Marley)

Gue inget banget salah satu percakapan pertama gue dengan si pacar saat kopi darat adalah, “kalo Jay suka ngedengerin musik? Musik apa?”. Dan sebelum lo tanya, iya, dia manggil gue in third person kaya gitu. Jawaban gue? Stevie Wonder, India Arie, dan Erykah Badu. Si pacar udah kenyang denger playlist gue untuk Stevie Wonder dan India Arie, now it’s time for Erykah Badu. Yaa walaupun tadi pun udah ada Stevie Wonder di lagu sebelumnya, dan bakal ada India Arie nantinya sih..

 

10. Amy Winehouse – Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow

In case you wonder, if anyone asked me what is my most favorite song in this playlist, I’d have to say this one. I grew up listening to Amy Winehouse, watched her soar and crash landed. She was one of my inspiration, and for this Valentine, I want to share how beautiful she was and sounded at the time.. :”)

 

11. Amel Larrieux – For Real

Selain menyukai lagu-lagu yang menyerupai James Blake dan Lykke Li, si pacar juga menyukai R&B secara hardcore. Seringkali, dia mencoba menyanyikan lagu-lagu seperti ini di karaoke (jangan tanya gimana bentuk lagunya. Jangan aja). Di lagu kesebelas ini, gue berusaha menyayanginya dengan menghadirkan lagu ini ke playlist. Siapatau dia makin sayang yekaaaaaaaan.

 

12. India.Arie – Chocolate High (ft. Musiq Soulchild)

Seperti janji gue, gue akan memasukkan India.Arie ke dalam playlist gue, dan lagu ini jadi pilihannya. What would be better than ending this Valentine playlist using the most delicious love song ever created? Sepertinya kisah cinta India.Arie ini mirip dengan gue: terasosiasi dengan makanan.

“..tasty like Hershey’s and Nestle. You’re rich like Godiva, boy, you’re just so sexy..”

Fix tinggal dibikin roti bakar.


 

Yak. Itulah duabelas lagu yang gue racik buat Valentine tahun ini. Mudah-mudahan yang dibikin playlist suka. Fingers crossed! 😀

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Gay Privilege Or White Privilege?

It really depends how you perceive this matter, but like it or hate it, same-sex marriage is now legal in some of the most developed country. LGBT community fought their rights of unity for so long that they may see the impact now. The Netherlands became the first country to legalize same-sex marriage in 2001 was the first impact of such action. By the time I write this entry, 20 other countries followed Netherlands’ footstep.

You Shall Not Marry
The definition of marriage varies among people. Some belive that marriage is holy, a blessing, a path towards an ultimate happiness. It is a symbol of love, as The Holy Above provides His people a partner to take care of each other. These people – who perceive marriage and religion as one inseparable communion often insist that marriage should be a relationship between men and women. They believed that LGBT people are incapable of building a family, intimacy, harmony, let alone raising a child of their own; same-sex couples can’t have one of their own to start! But in modern era, where the divorce rate is higher than ever, the idea of marriage being a holy communion might be questionable.

On the other side, the ones who claimed themselves to be more “modern”, believe that marriage is overrated. The union might be good for some, but may not suit others. It is wonderful to be married, to have a partner of your own, but it’s okay if you don’t. Some people even go as far as stating the marriage “is not for them”, implementing that marriage is an overly-glorified ancient culture.

Note that these two parties are standing on two extra-contradictive places, in one giant controversial discussion of all time: the religion. Up till now, the religion is still the main issue of deciding the legalization of same-sex marriage. No religion-based country has legalized same-sex marriage yet.

Marriage is both ubiquitous and central. All across our country, in every region, every social class, every race and ethnicity, every religion or non-religion, people get married. For many if not most people, moreover, marriage is not a trivial matter. It is a key to the pursuit of happiness, something people aspire to—and keep aspiring to, again and again, even when their experience has been far from happy. To be told “You cannot get married” is thus to be excluded from one of the defining rituals of the American life cycle.

image

#LoveWins And White Privilege
Same-sex marriage had been silenced ever since The Netherlands became the first country to legalize the union. It didn’t get the global attention until America declared their ammendment in June 2015. Since then, the legalization of same-sex marriage appeared to be sporadic and other countries are following that step.

One interesting fact rose in between this controversial mass-decision: is it actually white privilege or if it ever existed – gay privilege?

Michelle Hickford wrote a very interesting article in Allen Bwest’s site:

“I am wondering if homosexuality is part of “white privilege” — if there is in fact “gay privilege,” which is conferred by the privileged white leadership. Because other than Jacob Zuma, the leader of South Africa — and one genetic half of our president — none of the leaders of the countries which allow gay marriage are people of color. The grandparents of Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, the president of Argentina were from Spain and Germany. Even the president of Brazil, Dilma Rousseff, has Bulgarian ancestry.

Also of note is the fact that gay marriage is allowed in majority Christian countries – you know, those same terribly intolerant Christians who won’t bake wedding cakes or pizzas.”

I don’t know about this, but this might raise a question and I actually find it interesting.

Somehow, this intrigues me as a gay man of color who lives in developing country. The media shaped us to believe that homosexuality might be okay, might be tolerable. Especially since Hollywood right now loves LGBT in their shows. It all started when Queer As A Folk made its first appearance in public television in 2000. It was the first TV Shows that liberally exposed gay relationship among the community. One problem, though, all the casts, were white.

Media do love their LGBT friends. They worked with them, chat with them, etc. But when it came to exposing them in front of camera, it is a different story.

Ellen Degeneres and Neil Patrick Harris is two examples of gay celebrities who got exposed greatly in media. Even after the first teenage TV series who went all out in exposing gay man, Glee, casted their gay characters white. Meanwhile, the gay people of color might not get the same spotlight for their sexuality. Andre Leon-Talley, RuPaul, Queen Latifah, are some examples of people of color who are interesting enough to share hefty amount of spotlight in front of camera…but not for talking about their sexuality.

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Neil Patrick Harris and his spouse, David Burtka

This might sounds like agenda-setting to me. The community is shaped into believing that LGBT legalization actually happened in a total different world. The amount of exposure, the air-time, the variables, the culture are happening in a whole different story. It is not relatable. The freedom, the legalization, the right to marry is only a privilege of white supremacy.

The latest news I received is that Japan now became the latest edition of the countries who embraces the LGBT marriage. Funny enough, Japan and USA relationship is very close. What do you think?

Peripheral LGBT
It seems that LGBT in peripheral countries might wait a bit longer to unite with their partners. This movement takes patience and neverending discussion. Currently, this issue still raises mayhem and controversies everywhere, especially in those countries where the religion is still flowing thick. One good thing, though, LGBT is no longer considered as a psychological disease since WHO had retracted homosexuality from being a disease. Same-sex marriage has now became a fight against moral and value of people, and that is an even greater battle.

YouTube Fan Fest Came To Indonesia, And I’m Jealous!

Let’s face it, people. YouTube is NOT the next big thing. YouTube IS the big thing. It’s literally everywhere. Well, as long as you have internet connection to access the website, of course.

So, anyway, last month, October 23rd, to be precise, YouTube is coming over to Indonesia. Yes, YouTube came to one of the 10 countries with the slowest internet connection in the world.

One fun fact, though, the internet had been established in Indonesia as early as 1983, so I think it’s safe to say that internet development is a bit too slow. But heck, we’re being noticed by YouTube nevertheless. YAY!

The event was called YouTube Fan Fest Indonesia 2015. The line-up was pretty amazing. One particular YouTube artist that I am most excited about is SAM TSUI. If you happened to be in unknown area which made you clueless about who Sam Tsui is, I pity you.

I watched my first video about Sam Tsui and Kurt Hugo during the mourning period of the deceased Michael Jackson. And at that time, I was blown away. Here, you should check him out.

Okay, other than Sam Tsui, there is this girl, Bethany Mota. I don’t really know who she is, but apparently she is one of the trending “social media darling” who appeared literally everywhere, from Snapchat, Periscope, YouTube, etc. Apparently, she has lots of fans, so, good for her. YouTube Fan Fest Indonesia 2015 also featured several Indonesian YouTube celebrities, such as Edozell, SkinnyIndonesian24, Jakarta Beatbox, etc.

The hype from Indonesian YouTube viewers was also huge. Most probably because the ticket was free. 3000 tickets were distributed and they were booked out in just a day. It didn’t stop there, there were about 9000 people were streaming the event live. I don’t blame them. The event looked really fun! My friend, Sophia made a pretty cool footage of the event. Watch!

Okay, now I’m jealous. Hopefully there would be YouTube Fan Fest 2016, and I definitely would be the first in line for the event. If you want to see the whole event, you can also watch it here:

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ps: the data I mentioned about Indonesia’s internet statistics is from elist10.com. You should check it, in case you want to see some other random lists.

Dear GO-JEK, Thanks But No Thanks

Do you know what’s good about living in 2015? Everything is within your reach. Like, literally everything. If you’re hungry, you can dial a hotline and have the food delivered to you. You’re stuck with your homework, you can actually Google everything, and the answer would be handed to you in silver platter. If you’re lonely, your next bae is a swipe right away in Tinder (or Grindr, if you’re that type). If you want to shop from a store somewhere in Lithuania, you can always head to Amazon and place your order there.

See, everything is easy; so easy that the obesity rate in the world is soaring high, leaving the only six-pack community in the world: your thumb. And then, enter GO-JEK.

GO-JEK may seems like the savior of our hectic, metropolitan life. It provides a convenient services, such as private motorcycle drivers, document and food deliveries, and..

Private shoppers. Seriously.
I’m not kidding. Watch this:

Okay. I might exaggerate things, but am I the only person who thinks that it’s getting a bit creepy?

First of all, I want to make it clear that I have nothing against GO-JEK. It’s super convenient and probably beneficial for some, and I’m not saying that I wouldn’t use their many services one day. Still, my question is: does it have to be like this?

Gue akan mengesampingkan GO-JEK dulu, dan berbicara masalah ibukota yang kita sayangi ini. Menurut Antaranews, jumlah kendaraan pribadi di Jakarta bertambah sebanyak 12 persen per tahun. It may sound nothing, tapi itu berarti jumlah kendaraan pribadi di Jakarta bertambah sebanyak 5.000-6.000 kendaraan per hari. Tinggal berharap aja jalan di Jakarta yang hanya bisa tumbuh sebanyak 0,01% per tahun mampu menampung segitu banyak kendaraan. And people still wonder why Jakarta traffic is almost unbearable.

Kalau mau positive thinking, mungkin GO-JEK bisa mengurangi jumlah pertumbuhan kendaraan di Jakarta. Siapa tahu, orang jadi males bawa kendaraan dan mengandalkan GO-JEK buat kemana-mana. Tapi nyatanya kan ngga kaya gitu.

Let’s face it: Indonesians are divas. Yes. Divas. Kalo biasa beradem-adem naik mobil, bakal bilang, “..idih. Ogah gue pake GO-JEK. Panas naik motor, kena polusi, helmnya bau. Creambath dua kali sehari dong gue, cynn..”. Okay, ngga usah naik GO-JEK. Naik TransJakarta deh. Enak, adem, murah. “..Sinting yaa lo. Gue disuruh dusel-duselan ama rakyat jelata. Belom ntar jalan dari halte ke kantor. Jauh, keringetan. Ntar gebetan gue di kantor malah ilfeel, eym..”

Yaa udah. Atur aja idup lo.
Sayangnya, ngga cuma consumers yang diva. Supir GO-JEK pun diva.

“Eh nih, ada orang minta dianterin sampe Bintaro. Jauh gila. Macet pula. Udah, lo aja deh yang ambil. Males gue..” Begitulah bunyinya, kira-kira (kalo mereka semua sengondek gue). Banyak pula supir GO-JEK yang “banyak akal” dan memasang status sudah menjemput padahal si penumpang masih berdiri kehausan diterpa angin penuh polusi di Jalan Sudirman. This failure to maintain their excellent services is what makes think that GO-JEK is not an ideal solution to our transportation. Instead of choosing their convenient service, people would still prefer to use their private vehicles. Instead of being a solution, GO-JEK becomes an alternative. Instead of reducing the problem, GO-JEK might as well be one of the source of the problem

Bukti lain bahwa orang Indonesia bermental diva, adalah kendaraan yang paling laku adalah kendaraan yang bisa “ngawur”. Bisa bilang ‘kiri’ kapan aja, and voila, you’re dropped in front of your office. Ngga perlu keringetan jalan kaki. Taxi, Kopaja, Angkot, these transportations are killing our traffic.

Okay, gue ngga mau berlama-lama ngomongin traffic di Jakarta. Sebelum gue dibantai ama jutaan rakyat Indonesia. All I’m saying is, for now, GO-JEK is still a convenient alternative, but it offers no solution like they claimed. Sampai pemerintah memunculkan transportasi publik yang benar-benar memadai dan mewadahi penduduk Jakarta, maka kemacetan Jakarta hanya akan bertambah parah. Sampai masyarakat memiliki kesadaran untuk mengurangi ‘manja’ nya, maka solusi apapun dari pemerintah tidak dapat dimaksimalkan.

I appreciate what GO-JEK is trying to do here. Paling ngga gue kalo pengen Martabak Boss ngga perlu mengarungi Tanah Abang yang macetnya kaya otak gue pas mau UAS untuk bisa sampe Sarinah. But at least for now, I haven’t used GO-JEK, and still true to my principle: thanks, but no thanks.

Another Chapter, Another Topic

WHOAAAAA! How long has it been since my last unfinished #KamuPulangLagi. Mulai dari dia mudik, ampe akhirnya jalan keliling Indonesia, lalu balik lagi, belom kelar-kelar project nya. Yaa udah sik yaa. Pacar gue lumayan pengertian kok.

..sepertinya.
Sih.

Okay, so, I’m back again with new project. Since now I’m officially a Mass Communication class (an excellent one. Ehm. And the Class President at that as well. Ehm), I have to attend this subject named Media Convergence, which to make it simple, is subject where I’m going to learn how media industries are using a combined force of media to deliver certain messages.

What’s the first project?
A BLOG! Yay!

Jadi selain gue nanti ngepost hal-hal yang berguna untuk nusa dan bangsa, gue juga akan posting hal-hal yang berkaitan dengan tugas-tugas gue sebagai mahasiswa komunikasi yang bermisi untuk mencerdaskan kehidupan bangsa.

My lecturer promised my class to make each assignment interesting, so I’mma hold on to that.. 😂😂😂😂

My first assignment post is coming up real soon after the break..

((insert ads here))

((anyone?))

((Google?))

((No?))

((oh well..))

Razor Defloration

I used to be able to brag about how I’m such a precise shaver. I mean, I never cut my skin while shaving with a razor blade, well, except for those zists that happened to be on my razor tracks. Other than that, I had always been careful with my blades, and believe me, it is trickier than you imagined!

That is, until this morning, when I accidentally ran my blades against the edge of my pride, my soul, my asset, my beautiful, pretty, voluptuous, gorgeous lips.

Of all the skin that can be deflowered by my razor blades, it chose my lips!!! WHY..?!!!

And the result was disastrous!

Here is the thing: my lips are sensitive. Like, seriously sensitive. Food allergies would pass to my lips first then to other parts of my body, my lips would swell if I smoke too much, etc. And apparently, my blades are fond of the defloration of my lips skin, it cut them deep.

I kid you not, I took 5 sheets of tissue in hopes of stopping the blood, but it was still dripping. I panicked, not because I’m a dramatic bitch (though it may have been one of the cause), but also because I had an appoitnment after that. And won’t it be perfect to talk to someone while holding a tissue, or forming a pool of blood dripping from my lips.

So I googled, how to stop bleeding after shaving cut. I know, internet these days could save a life.

Among the suggestions, I found one absurd trick, using a deodorant.

If I cut myself on the cheek, it won’t be an issue. But since I cut it on the lips, HELL NO I’M NOT GOING TO PUT WHAT WAS MEANT FOR MY ARMPIT TO MY MOUTH!!

But I’m out of options and my appointment was running short, so I decided to nip my fingers on to my deodorant, and rub it to my lips like I’m rubbing lip balm.

It tastes like shit, but the bleeding stopped.

Like, literally stopped. Just like that.

Huh. It turned out that deodoran has enough Alumunium which helps to stop your bleeding.
So I pinched in a bit more, and I applied it again to my lips. It didn’t taste as bad as the first time.

I’m just glad my boyfriend is out of town so he doesn’t have to taste my armpit from my mouth.. 😂😂😂

So yeah, that was my experience in cutting my own lips, and how internet just saved my life.

If you’re curious about the tips, here’s the link:
http://www.gq.com/story/drop-the-toilet-paper-5-surprising-ways-to-stop-a-shave-cut-from-bleeding

Lesson of the day:
Always, ALWAYS, have a stick of lip balm in your toilette, or else your mouth would taste and smell like pits all day long..

#KamuPulangLagi
Day: 6

I Love U(s) Part 3

I love you.
Not because I love your smile, or your laugh, or your stale jokes, or your silly stories you’d share with me every night after you got home.
No.
I love you because I know I can’t love anyone else with the exact same stupidity. I don’t know if I can. It has to be you.

I love you.
Not because you’re a kind-hearted person I admired since the first time I laid my eyes on you. Not because you were loved by many.
No.
I love you because anybody could be like you, and yet you’re the only one who would be perfect for me.
Because you are loved by many, cared by many. You could have picked anybody. Yet, there you were, cuddling me during my fever, stayed up the whole night trying to keep me warm while closely watching my temperature.

I love you.
Not because you’re the most perfect person in the world. No. I know you’re full of flaw.
I love you because I know where to fit. I know there are some places I could fill. I know where I belong.

I love you.
Not because you understand me. God knows you misunderstood me thousand times. Even now, right in this second.
I love you because you took the time to try to listen. I know you weren’t always listening. But I can see that you’re willing to try.

I love you.
Not because we fall to each other everyday. No. We both know we fell in and out of love with each other million times.
I love you because everytime we fall apart, we’d crawl our ways back to each other.

I love you.
Not because you told me so each and every time you had the chance.
I love you because you decided to love me, even in times when you don’t.

I love you.
Not because loving you is easy. You’re one of the most difficult person to love. Believe me. I had never had to try this hard for love.
I love you because each time I woke up, I found another way to love you. And then the next. And the next.

I love you.
Maybe.
I can’t promise you that.
What I could is to promise you that I’d be here. Relentlessly trying to hold your hands eventhough most of the time you wouldn’t want to touch mine.

I’m love you.
Sort of.
Because I don’t know why you chose me.

Jakarta, 24 Juli 2015
#KamuPulangLagi
Day: 5

Kamu Jadi Kebanggaan Bapak yaa, Le..

Pria itu tercengang. Badannya kaku. Hatinya baru saja remuk sempurna. Usianya sudah mencapai setengah dasa ketiga; seharusnya ia lebih kuat dari ini. Hatinya sudah pernah remuk ratusan kali sebelumnya, namun kali ini rasanya ia tak akan pernah pulih. Dipandangnya lelaki kecil di hadapannya. Sangat mungil, terlalu kecil malah. Bergetar, matanya berkaca, pipinya basah, masih memeluk boneka doraemon kesayangannya. Namun di balik mata yang basah itu, tersirat keberanian luar biasa. Keteguhan hati yang tidak ia miliki saat dirinya masih seusia lelaki itu.

Lamat-lamat, di balik isak tangisnya, bibir lelaki kecil itu membentuk kalimat. Rasanya belum ada sepuluh ribu kata yang keluar dari mulutnya, tapi lelaki kecil itu sudah bisa membentuk kalimat yang menghancurkan hati.

“Aku ingin ikut ibu. Aku ingin jadi Katolik.. “. Perlahan, tapi pasti. Keberanian apa ini? Kuasa apa ini?

Sang pria yang sedaritadi berusaha tegar menahan air matanya, kini sudah tak kuat. Tangisnya pecah. Siapa sangka hati yang hancur pun sanggup menghancurkan sendi? Kakinya tak sanggup menahan beban hati yang ia tanggung saat ini. Ia jatuh bersimpuh di hadapan lelaki kecilnya, menangis tersedu.

Ia sakit hati. Ia merasa dikhianati. Namun ia bangga, luar biasa bangga malah. Siapa lelaki kecil ini? Kuasa apa yang dia miliki?

Perlahan, ia rentangkan tangannya, sembari menyeret lututnya menghampiri anak kecil itu. Direngkuhkan kedua lengannya di badan lelaki kecil tersebut. Bahu yang kuat, sekecil ini. Ia dekatkan badan lelaki kecil itu ke badannya. Badan yang hangat, ada kehangatan yang muncul dari hati lelaki kecilnya.

Dan ia pun menangis lebih keras. Tidak, ia meraung. Hatinya bangga, pun patah hati harus merelakan pelukannya lepas suatu nanti.

Semenit kemudian dilepaskan pelukannya yang sepertinya terlalu kencang. Diremasnya lengan lelaki kecil itu. Lengan yang tangguh. Hatinya kembali tersenyum bangga. Diusapnya pipi lelaki kecil yang basah karena air mata.

“Bapak akan tetap sayang kamu. Ingat yaa, le. Apapun yang kamu pilih, kamu akan tetap jadi anaknya Bapak. Bapak sayang sekali sama kamu. Agama ngga bakal memisahkan kita, le. Janji sama Bapak yaa. Bapak say.. “. Ia tak sanggup melanjutkan kalimatnya, kembali terisak. Matanya kembali memandang mata anaknya.

Kamu jadi kebanggaannya Bapak yaa, Le..

==========

Pria itu menghisap rokoknya perlahan di teras rumah. Dari jauh, sosok istri dan anaknya muncul perlahan.

“Ranking berapa? “, tanyanya begitu istri dan anaknya masuk pekarangan rumah.

“Nilainya bagus, Mas, ranking dua..”, jawab istrinya.

Pria itu menghisap rokoknya lagi dalam-dalam, lalu mematikannya. “Kenapa ngga ranking satu?”, ujarnya gusar. Ia masuk ke dalam rumah tanpa menunggu istri dan anaknya, dan langsung membanting pintu kamar.

==========

Anaknya tampak girang saat memasuki halaman rumah. Istri dan anak bungsunya menyusul belakangan.

“Aku berhasil, Pak.. “, lapor anak sulungnya.

“Ranking satu dia, mas. Hehehe. Adeknya nih yang ngga dapet ranking..”, sahut istrinya, menambahkan.

“Rata-rata berapa? “, tanya pria itu.

“Delapan setengah”, jawab istrinya.

“Mestinya kan bisa sembilan.. “, jawab pria itu sedikit gusar. Matanya beralih kepada si anak bungsu. Lalu bertanya, “Jalan ke mall yuk. Adek mau makan apa? “.

Si anak sulung bertukar pandang dengan ibunya, sedih.

==========

“KAMU TADI SIANG NGAPAIN?”. Pria itu berteriak sesaat setelah membanting pintu kamar anaknya, menemukan kedua anaknya sedang membaca komik.

“Hah? Aku ngga ngapa-ngapain kok, Pak.. “, jawab si anak sulung.

“Jangan bohong! Sirup di kulkas berkurang. Kamu minum yaa?”, tuduh pria itu kepada anak sulungnya. Seketika itu juga ia menghampiri si anak sulung dan menamparnya keras sampai ia terjatuh dari tempat tidur.

“Enggak, pak. Itu tadi adek. Dia ngga kuat puasanya, tadi minta dibikinin sirup”. Anak sulungnya mulai menangis. Ia benci melihat anak lelaki sulungnya menangis. Dia menjejakkan kaki ke paha anak sulungnya.

“Berani kamu bohong saat bulan puasa yaa? “, jawab pria itu.

“Pak, aku kan ngga wajib puasa.. “, sahut anak sulungnya sambil terisak.

“Kamu itu harus jadi contoh buat adikmu!!”, jawab pria itu. Bantahan anak sulungnya membuat ia makin murka dan menendang anak sulungnya makin keras.

“Tapi bukan aku, pak, bukan aku.. “. Si sulung masih terisak.

Lalu semuanya gelap.

==========

“GILA YAA KAMU?”, pria itu berteriak lantang memandangi anak lelakinya yang kini sudah berusia 18 tahun.

“Gila apa, Pak? Karena bapak ngga ngerti?”, jawab anak sulungnya.

“Dari dulu sampai sekarang isinya kamu ini cuman ngebantah orangtua. Durhaka kamu”, ucapnya kepada anak sulungnya. Lalu ia beralih ke istrinya yang sedaritadi hanya bisa menangis. “Anakmu ini harus kita bawa ke psikolog. Ini harus disembuhkan”, katanya.

“Nggak mau!! Bapak pikir ini penyakit? Bapak pikir aku gila? Nggak! Aku ngga mau!”, jawab anak sulungnya.

“Kamu mau berhubungan sama tai? Kamu itu akan memasukkan kontolmu ke tai!! Apa ngga kelainan itu namanya??! “, bentak pria itu.

“Mas, udah! Apa-apaan sih kamu ngomong ngga dijaga sama sekali di depan anaknya. Ini anakmu, Mas. Kamu yang gila”. Kini giliran istrinya yang habis kesabaran.

“Terusin aja dimanja anakmu. Terserah apa katamu lah. Memang semua orang Katolik yang aku kenal itu bangsat semua. Ingat, le, kalau kamu tetap ngotot jadi homo, Bapak ngga akan sudi jenazah Bapak disentuh oleh tanganmu, ” ancam pria itu. Ia langsung menuju kamarnya dan membanting pintu. Di dalam, ia disambut foto di dinding. Di foto, tampak wajahnya sendiri saat muda, memangku anak sulungnya yang tersenyum ceria menatap wajahnya.

Pria itu menangis. Lagi. Ia tak ingin mengatakan hal itu. Ia sadar kalau kata-katanya barusan menyakiti hati banyak orang. Ia sadar, tapi tak tahu harus bicara apa lagi.

Diambilnya foto itu dari dinding, diusapnya wajah anak sulungnya.

“Kenapa, Le, kenapa? Kamu kan kebanggaan Bapak. Kamu kan mataharinya Bapak? Kenapa, Le? “. Ia menangis lebih keras. Di luar kamar, terdengar suara istri dan anak sulungnya masih berdebat. Sepertinya istrinya pun sepertinya berusaha meluruskan pikiran anak sulungnya, walaupun mungkin tak berhasil. Suara mereka menenggelamkan isak tangisnya makin kencang.

Diusapnya lagi foto anak sulungnya yang tersenyum ceria. “Bapakmu ini ngga akan sama kamu selamanya, Le. Bapak ngga akan bisa ngelindungi kamu terus. Dunia yang kamu pilih itu gelap, Le, ada banyak orang jahat, ngga setia, ngga ada komitmen. Paling enggak, itu yang Bapak tahu. Kamu nanti siapa yang ngerawat, Le, kalau sudah tua nanti? Sumpah, Bapak ngga akan ikhlas kalau ngeliat kamu tua sendiri tanpa pasangan hidup. Bapak ngga akan tega. Kamu itu kebanggaan Bapak.. “, tangisnya sambil merebahkan diri ke tempat tidur.

Pria itu menghabiskan malamnya menangis hingga ketiduran. Sambil memeluk gambar dirinya saat muda, memangku anak sulungnya yang tersenyum ceria memandang ayahnya.

==========

“Kereta jam berapa?”, tanyanya pelan kepada anak sulungnya yang sedang sibuk mengepak baju.

“Jam tujuh malam, Pak. “, jawab anaknya tanpa mengalihkan pandangan.

“Beberapa jam lagi berarti,” ucap pria itu. Tak ada balasan.

“Yakin, Le? “, tanyanya lagi kepada anak sulungnya. Jujur, ia masih khawatir. Anaknya akan keluar rumah tanpa gelar sarjana. Bukan hanya keluar rumah. Pindah kota. Anaknya ini tak pernah sebegitu jauh dari rumah.

“Bapak maunya gimana? Aku udah setuju pindah. Udah tandatangan kontrak sama kantor. Terus tiba-tiba ngga jadi pindah? “, jawab anaknya, melirik dirinya sesaat, lalu kembali ke kesibukannya.

“Bapak cuman mikir, seharusnya kamu bisa bicarain dulu sama Bapak dan Ibu..”, ucapnya pelan. Ia tahu, tidak mungkin didengarkan.

“Sudahlah, Pak”, jawab anaknya singkat.

Sore itu ia habiskan di kamar. Keheningan kamarnya dipecahkan oleh suara ketukan pintu.

“Pak, aku berangkat yaa.. “. Suara anak sulungnya terdengar bergetar dari seberang pintu.

“Iya, Le, hati-hati yaa”, jawabnya lantang. Atau, paling tidak, ia berusaha bersuara lantang.

Sengaja ia tidak membuka pintu, sengaja ia tidak ingin melihat anaknya pergi. Ia tahu, ia tidak akan kuat. Ia keluarkan foto berbingkai yang sedaritadi ia peluk. Foto dirinya sendiri sedang memangku anak sulungnya yang tersenyum ceria memandang wajah ayahnya.

“Baik-baik yaa, Le. Jaga diri di kota orang. Kamu itu kebanggaan Bapak, Le. Bapak sayang kamu.. “, bisiknya pelan.

Dan pria itu kembali menangis…..

Jakarta, 23 Juli 2015.

#KamuPulangLagi
Day: 4

#LoveWins

Aaaaaaakkk!!
Gue baru inget kalo kemarin belom bikin tulisan. Shoot.

Hari ini bikin dua deh. Janjik..
*beberapa menit kemudian ketiduran*

==========

Okay, so a couple weeks ago I stumbled upon this article when I was strolling around facebook:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2015/07/02/why-you-should-stop-waving-the-rainbow-flag-on-facebook/

Go ahead! Check it out first if you have time. If you don’t, well, here’s a summary:

HAHAHAHAHAHA.. HA.. HAA..

==========

Okay, sori sori, gue gengges.

Tapi apa yang ada di artikel yang di atas itu hampir benar.

Jadi, kira-kira sebulan yang lalu, Amerika melegalkan pernikahan sesama jenis. Semua negara bagian, tidak terkecuali. It was a good news, I suppose. Tapi tetep aja, kejadiannya ‘cuman’ di Amerika. And trust me, semua itu hanya kulit luarnya aja. The struggle of being LGBT, is far from over. And what it campaigned, about #LoveWins, is still a battle we, as LGBT, still have to fight for..

==========

Sebagai seorang gay, gue sudah sangat familiar dengan segala jenis diskriminasi. Entah itu dengan khotbah di gereja (I swear to you, ngedengerin khotbah di gereja tentang LGBT kadang bikin gue pengen teriak nangis-nangis histeris. Maklum, Pisces. Dramak), omongan orang-orang, bahkan di perkuliahan. Terutama karena gue kuliah komunikasi, percakapan tentang LGBT ini sangat sering terjadi tanpa disengaja. Dan sering, omongan dosen yang “straight” bisa sangat menyakitkan.

But do you know what hurts me the most? Diskriminasi ini sering datang dari orang-orang yang juga gay. Lebih sering, malah. Bahkan fat-shaming is a commong thing in this dark side of the world.

Banyak orang yang ngga tau, kalo menjadi gay, berarti secara default, sengaja atau tidak sengaja, sadar atau tidak sadar; terutama kalau lo tinggal di lingkungan homophobic; berarti secara default lo akan membenci diri sendiri. Lo pelan-pelan akan tertekan dengan omongan orang-orang sekitar, lo akan mempertanyakan kenapa lo seperti ini, lo akan mencari-cari penyebab lo jadi kaya gini, and eventually you would grow hating yourself. Semua orang bilang, kalau ada kemauan pasti ada jalan. Quick question: jalan kemana? Jalan yang seperti apa? Kemauan? Kemauan seperti apa?

Di tengah kondisi lo seperti ini, lo akan mencari orang-orang yang senasib. Yang tahu gimana cara mengatasi hal ini..
… bahkan, mungkin, saling menguatkan. Saling meneguhkan, saling… mendampingi.

Gampang?

Gampang kok! Sampai nanti di suatu titik, pendamping lo ketahuan selingkuh dan akan bilang “hubungan gay ini ngga ada masa depan”, atau “hari gini nyari cinta” atau omong kosong lainnya untuk menutupi kenyataan bahwa you are a piece of shit.

I am one of the unfortunate people who happened to be gay AND fat. Sure, I can find someone who loves flabby tummy here and there, but chances are most of the time I met and fell for someone who doesn’t. Jadi bayangin, you already hated yourself for being gay and now you are going to hate yourself for being you. Because maybe you are not good enough. You are not attractive enough. Even with your work and effort, you are simply not enough!

Sekarang ke bagian sedihnya..

Karena keadaan itu, banyak orang yang akhirnya mencari cara gampang. One night stand. At least for a night, I don’t feel like crap about myself. At least for a night, somebody wants me. Akhirnya muncul pemikiran “hari gini nyari cinta”. See the pattern here?

Ngga semua orang cukup kuat untuk menjadi gay. Tanyakan pada yang bunuh diri gara-gara dibully karena orientasi seksualnya. Cobalah itu yang straight jadi gay.

Kalau udah straight, pas jomblo aja galaunya udah segitunya, apalagi jadi gay. Bunuh diri dalam kandungan pake tali puser keknya.. (–,)

==========

All I’m saying is, what America did was commendable, though a bit premature. And yes, I do agree that it could also diminish the whole meaning of marriage. And what facebook did, putting a rainbow filter feature, diminished what it means of fighting for that right. Agar apa lo pasang filter itu? Lo mendukung LGBT rights? Kok gue ngga tau?

But at least, we are now acknowledged. That’s a start. Mungkin sekarang kita bisa ngga membenci diri kita sendiri karena menjadi gay. Gue ngga harus benci diri gue sendiri karena gue gay, cukup karena gendut. Itupun bisa diperbaiki kan? 😀

Etapi gitu loh masih ada beberapa teman di Path yang bilang, ini bukan tentang Hak Asasi Manusia, ini tentang kebenaran.

Woah.. udah bener banget nih, mbak? Kebenaran yang kaya gimana? Apa dibenarkan menebarkan kebencian untuk golongan orang tertentu? Who do you think you are, denying someone’s happiness? 🙂

==========

At least for me, #LoveWins is overrated. Karena cinta baru akan menang saat kami, para LGBT, sudah bisa menerima keadaan diri kami sendiri dan berdamai dengan itu.

Sampai saat itu terjadi, menurut gue tetep baru titit yang menang. Sih..

Jakarta, 20 Juli 2015

#KamuPulangLagi
Day : (anggap aja)  3

Bapak, Ibuk, Aku Pulang..

Pertama, gue mau mengucapkan Selamat Idul Fitri buat teman-teman yang merayakan. Minal aidzin wal faidzin, mohon maaf lahir dan batin 🙂

Karena hati manusia sedangkal itu, terkadang ia gagal melihat lalim dan menganggapnya lalu.

Karena mata manusia setinggi ini, terkadang ia merasa dirinya paling hakiki.

Karena pikiran manusia sepicik demikian, sehingga tak hendak berulur tangan saat ada yang membutuhkan.

Minal aidzin wal faidzin. Semoga lukamu belum terlanjur dingin.

==========

Gue memang ngga ngerayain Idul Fitri sih. I mean, I don’t do Ramadhan fasting, atau shalat Ied. Tapi untuk perayaannya, gue selalu ikut; secara bapak dan adek gue keduanya Muslim.

Perayaan lebaran selalu gue ikuti sampai kira-kira dua tahun yang lalu. Mulai tahun kemarin, gue udah ngga ikut ngerayain lebaran lagi, karena udah pindah ke Jakarta. Bapak dan Ibuk gue juga ngga menyarankan gue untuk pulang, karena tiket yang mahal dan pasti penuh banget.

Dalam hati gue yakin, sebenernya pasti karena gue makannya kebanyakan.

Akhirnya, selama di Jakarta, gue menemukan hobi baru, yaitu melihat timeline (timeline apa aja. Twitter, Instagram, Path, dll) dan melihat keriaan teman-teman saya saat berkumpul bersama keluarga di kampungnya masing-masing. Mereka berlomba-lomba mem-post foto makanan, foto lansekap kampung halamannya, foto tempat makan langganan keluarga mereka, but my favorite is family pictures. There is something that I really like about seeing a happy family picture. Dan saat lebaran merupakan saat-saat yang pas untuk mengabadikan momen tersebut kan?

But this year’s Eid Mubarak is a bit different, thanks to Gunung Raung and its volcanic ash.

Gue datang dari Surabaya, salah satu kota yang bandaranya harus ditutup karena tertutup abu vulkanik Gunung Raung, dan perjalanan lewat udara akan sangat riskan.

Yang membuat saya kagum, sekaligus bangga, sekaligus terharu, adalah saya turut menyaksikan perjuangan teman-teman saya sesama pendatang dari Surabaya dan sekitarnya yang ingin berhari raya bersama keluarga mereka masing-masing di kampung halaman.

 Salah satunya Ning Endhita yang memutuskan untuk naik bus supaya bisa pulang berhari raya.

Ada pula beberapa teman yang mengeluh penerbangannya dibatalkan akibat abu gunung Raung.

Tapi salah satu teman benar-benar berjuang untuk menjemput hari raya di tengah keluarga.

  

Beberapa hari sebelumnya, gue ketemu Indah untuk melepas rindu. Ia sempat bercerita tentang rencananya untuk mudik, termasuk berangkat pagi buta – setelah sahur – supaya tidak ketinggalan pesawat. “Daripada ketiduran, mendingan langsung ke Soekarno-Hatta, tidur di sana”, ujarnya pada waktu itu. Lalu, terjadilah seperti yang di atas sana. Waktu membaca post ini, gue berharap reschedule-nya berjalan seperti harapan.

Tetapi ternyata..

  
Ini adalah postingan Indah kemarin, saat hari pertama lebaran. Masih terjebak di Tegal. Mencari bus seadanya, yang penting sampai di rumah. Since I know Indah personally, and how excited she was for her trip, I can imagine how heartbroken she actually was at the time.

Lalu pagi ini..

  
Gue baru tau kalau si Indah mudik sendirian. I feel bad for her. Sudah lebaran hari kedua, dan dia baru sampai Surabaya. Well, at least she was close, and hopefully she had arrived safely shortly after that.

==========

Lebaran tahun ini banyak cerita yang bisa dibagikan, terutama daerah asal gue adalah daerah yang terkena imbas Gunung Raung. Ada beberapa teman yang batal mudik, ada pula teman yang baru saja berangkat ke luar negeri dan berlebaran menggunakan Skype untuk menyapa keluarganya di rumah.

Seperti yang teman saya, Indah, katakan, c’est la vie. Terkadang hidup tidak berjalan seperti yang kita rencanakan. Mungkin lebaran kali ini ada yang tidak bisa merasakan suasana keluarga, mungkin ada pula yang tertunda dan akhirnya merasa kepulangannya terlalu sebentar.

Tapi percayalah, teman, saat kamu sudah sampai di depan rumah, disambut oleh senyuman kedua orangtuamu yang sudah tak sabar memeluk anak kesayangannya, perjalananmu akan terasa sangat manis.

Karena pada akhirnya, kamu akan mampu berkata,

“Bapak, Ibu, aku pulang..”

Jakarta, 18 Juli 2015
#KamuPulangLagi
Day: 2